Christmas is an emotional purchase

 

 

I just ordered some Santa's White Christmas coffee cooler from the Barnies coffee site... yum! The one Barnies we had here in the mall in Tallahassee closed a while back and I have been missing my coffee coolers. I really liked Barnies coffee more than any of the other places in town here, especially their coffee coolers. I'm glad I can still get it online. I may have to pay a little more in shipping and whatnot, but it's worth it, plus I'm trying to cut back this semester and onward until I finish school. It's $6.99 for a 12oz bottle and all you have to do is add milk and ice. It's not seriously strong in the caffeine department, but it should do. I'll still save money by using this to make my own drinks and then bring them with me when I go out to study. If the bookstores and coffee shops have a problem with it, too bad, although I doubt anyone is going to say anything to me. I really need to stop buying coffee drinks every day I go out to study. I should save a good chunk of money doing this.

Ordering this syrup made me think about Christmas. I love Christmas. I love the food, the music, the lights, the gift shopping, the spirit, everything. All that's missing here in Florida is the cold weather, the snow, and the fireplace, although our apt does have a fireplace. I don't know if we will use it though. At the same time I love Christmas it also makes me extremely sad. I know that sounds weird. This is in part because most of my family is gone, well, on Christmas every year and for years it is just me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. My mom and dad's parents are all deceased and have been since I was 12 or 13. My mom's mom's house is where we would go every Christmas day and that's when we'd see five of my six total cousins (5 on my mom's side, 1 on my dad's) and my aunts and uncles. I miss those times. Ever since my mom's mom died we all stopped meeting. She was the one to keep us all together.

We moved to Florida when I was 16 and ever since then we haven't returned to see anyone, nor do my parents have the desire to. Relations are kind of strained between us and them for stupid reasons. All this just makes me sad because I know it makes my mom really sad. At least we have the four of us my mom says and that's true.

Christmas also makes me sad because I am still single and deeply desire to be married. Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones and in part that is what makes me sad. I don't have my own special person to share it with (apart from my immediate family). I don't have my own family (kids) either and Christmas is so much more fun for everyone when there are kids around! I feel bad too because as much as I desire these things for myself, so does my mom, and I feel bad that I've let her down year after year. She would love for me to get married and have some grandkids, it would thrill her to death, and I feel so bad that I can't give that to her, at least not right now. And my brother isn't married nor has any children either so it's not like he is fulfilling that desire for her either right now.

Sometimes I think I think way too much about other people and making them happy and fulfilling their desires instead of my own, but I have changed a lot in that. I really am seeking my own happiness first now and doing the best with where I'm at and what I can do about my situation and just leaving the rest to timing and whatnot. I want someone to share my life with soon, but I don't want children soon. I'm not in a position to truly give and be what they need, so even though my mom wants all of that right now, putting myself first means that I don't have to feel bad that I am not giving those things to her right now. I just have to let things go and happen as they will if they will. If it's not meant for me it's not for me. I don't know how I got off on this tangent. I think the Christmas cooler flavor made me start thinking about stuff. And I can't believe that Christmas comes again in four months!